Pot Noodle World Cup
It comes around but once every four years and enthralls the entire planet. Of course, it’s the Pot Noodle World Cup - a celebration of human ingenuity and sheer slovenliness, where the worlds of technology and culinary artistry meet in a plastic pot full of dehydrated wheat flour products, flavour enhancers and food colourings. The nations of the earth are girding their loins, slightly dimwitted fans are blowing their 'vuvuzelas', and gangs of pot noodle ultras (noodligans) are having their passports confiscated in anticipation of the 'beautiful snack' - so stick the kettle on, get your fork ready and get stuck in...
Thai Choice - seafood flavour
(sachets - 2 + plastic fork)
The plastic snap-on lid seals in all the heat so it’s done in good time, but does it seal in any flavour? Yes, it does, but it's the wrong kind of flavour - the fishy wrong kind. The noodles are grey and lifeless, like a Thai fishmonger’s string vest after a hard day of ripping out fish guts and wiping his hands on his belly. The soup is watery, clear, slightly frothy, oil-free and lacking in dead sea creatures - BP take note.
1/10 - Forking useless.
Indomie Instant Noodles - Beef Flavour
(sachets - 3)
Count ‘em. With the dry vegetable detritus, chilli powder and “Bumbu sauce” (snigger) we’ve got three sachets here. Makes it feel like you’re actually cooking, as you carefully add each one before you splash them with hot water. If you’re a couch potato with a guilt problem, it’s a real boon. But I’ve seen more beef at a Hindu barbecue.
4/10 - Fall of the ramen empire.
Cup Noodles - with shrimp
(sachets - 0)
Americans, lazy? Hell no. But this pot of yankee-panky doesn’t help the stereotype. There are no fiddly sachets so you won’t lose any vital seconds on the settee watching the “soccer”. The dried noodles come pre-sprinkled, so all you need to add is hot water. What’s that - you need to put the kettle on? Damn, that means you’ll have to get up off your fat ass, which means all those cookie-crumbs on your stomach will spill down the cracks in the cushions. Your reward? Noodles in bilge-water. And the dried shrimps come with poo-veins intact. That’s lazy and insensitive.
0/10 - Plop noodle.
(sachets - 1)
Shards of dried veg, rocks of mushroom you could sink a battleship with, bits of kimchee (naturally), a packet of flavouring powder that makes a cloud like an Icelandic volcano... it’s all going on in this huge 'pot'. The soup is red and ultra spicy but the noodles are like a boiled goal net - a bit on the chewy side. Having said that, I couldn’t read the instructions as they were in Korean, so it probably needed 6 hours in a microwave on full.
6/10 - Pot, kettle, blah...