Pot Noodle World Cup - part 2

Samyang - 60 Ingredients
South Korea
(sachets - 1)

The Koreans got special dispensation to have two entrants in the 2010 Pot Noodle World Cup, largely because it’s a fictional competition. As such, Samyang’s ’60 ingredient’ flavour variety surprises with its sheer amount of ingredients. The packaging shows broccoli, onion, sesame powder, a carrot, mushroom, garlic, leek, paprika, radish, pak choi, oats (WTF?), chilli powder and a pollack - but that’s just thirteen ingredients. In fact, I’m having trouble just thinking of another 47 ingredients off the top of my head. And because the only other English words on the packaging are ‘MSG’ and ‘well-being’, for or all I know there could be roasted armadillo, prune ice cream, parrots' feathers and bee spit in there. Whatever it is, tastes pretty good.

7/10 - Hot noodle.

Pot Noodle - Doner Kebab
England
(sachets - 1 ‘chilli soss, my friend’)

The English have had doner kebab grease (and weak lager) running through their veins for centuries, so this pretty little pot had me roaring ‘God Save The Queen’ - out of tune and with the wrong words - until my thyroid went wonky. I was revived, briefly, by the comely aroma, but I’m afraid the words ‘soya pieces‘ and ‘doner kebab’ should never occupy the same packaging. It’s either the eyelids, testicles, lips and chest-warts of a 39-year-old sheep with scrapie, and a bit of cat, or nothing at all, OK Stavros?

4/10 - Gruel Britannia.

Pot Noodle World Cup - part 1

 

Pot Noodle World Cup

It comes around but once every four years and enthralls the entire planet. Of course, it’s the Pot Noodle World Cup - a celebration of human ingenuity and sheer slovenliness, where the worlds of technology and culinary artistry meet in a plastic pot full of dehydrated wheat flour products, flavour enhancers and food colourings. The nations of the earth are girding their loins, slightly dimwitted fans are blowing their 'vuvuzelas', and gangs of pot noodle ultras (noodligans) are having their passports confiscated in anticipation of the 'beautiful snack' - so stick the kettle on, get your fork ready and get stuck in...  

  
Thai Choice - seafood flavour
Thailand
(sachets - 2 + plastic fork)

The plastic snap-on lid seals in all the heat so it’s done in good time, but does it seal in any flavour? Yes, it does, but it's the wrong kind of flavour - the fishy wrong kind. The noodles are grey and lifeless, like a Thai fishmonger’s string vest after a hard day of ripping out fish guts and wiping his hands on his belly. The soup is watery, clear, slightly frothy, oil-free and lacking in dead sea creatures - BP take note. 

1/10 -  Forking useless.

Indomie Instant Noodles - Beef Flavour
Indonesia
(sachets - 3)

Count ‘em. With the dry vegetable detritus, chilli powder and “Bumbu sauce” (snigger) we’ve got three sachets here. Makes it feel like you’re actually cooking, as you carefully add each one before you splash them with hot water. If you’re a couch potato with a guilt problem, it’s a real boon. But I’ve seen more beef at a Hindu barbecue.

4/10 - Fall of the ramen empire.

Cup Noodles - with shrimp
USA
(sachets - 0)

Americans, lazy? Hell no. But this pot of yankee-panky doesn’t help the stereotype. There are no fiddly sachets so you won’t lose any vital seconds on the settee watching the “soccer”. The dried noodles come pre-sprinkled, so all you need to add is hot water. What’s that - you need to put the kettle on? Damn, that means you’ll have to get up off your fat ass, which means all those cookie-crumbs on your stomach will spill down the cracks in the cushions. Your reward? Noodles in bilge-water. And the dried shrimps come with poo-veins intact. That’s lazy and insensitive.  

0/10 - Plop noodle.

Nong Shim
South Korea
(sachets - 1)

Shards of dried veg, rocks of mushroom you could sink a battleship with, bits of kimchee (naturally), a packet of flavouring powder that makes a cloud like an Icelandic volcano... it’s all going on in this huge 'pot'. The soup is red and ultra spicy but the noodles are like a boiled goal net - a bit on the chewy side. Having said that, I couldn’t read the instructions as they were in Korean, so it probably needed 6 hours in a microwave on full.   
 
6/10 - Pot, kettle, blah...